Posts by Nate Merit

26

MY CHALLENGE TO FUNDAMENTALISTS/LITERALISTS

by Nate Merit in

for the fundamentalist christians reading this post who do not like my hermeneutics (principles of biblical interpretation), i challenge you to look up all the passages of the old testament that are quoted in the new testament.

read the surrounding context of each quotation as it appears in the old testament.

you will be shocked to discover that the context of the verses in the old testament almost never correspond to the way the verses are actually used in the new testament.

Nate Merit

Well, Evanescence, whatever the thread was they deleted it. Trust me, I'm not a fundy of any sort. Thanks for trying. I think.

Nate

16

KISSING HANK'S ASS

by Nate Merit in

john: "hi!

i'm john, and this is mary.".

john: "then come kiss hank's ass with us.".

Nate Merit

You may have already read this parody of Jehovah's Witnesses/Mormons. I would be surprised if you haven't. -Nathan

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

From the Desk of Karl

Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
Use alcohol in moderation.
Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
Eat right.
Hank dictated this list Himself.
The moon is made of green cheese.
Everything Hank says is right.
Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
Don't use alcohol.
Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary: ( She blushes)

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary: ( She looks positively stricken)

John: "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary: ( Sticks her fingers in her ears) "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary: ( She faints)

John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off. www.Jhuger.com

"Effing the ineffable since 1996"

This page is http://www.jhuger.com/kisshank.php Copyright © 1996-2005 Rev. James Huber, ([email protected]) All rights reserved.
Permission is hereby granted to duplicate for personal use.

14

Saturday morning and the witnesses are most notable for thier ABSENCE!

by Soledad in

picuture it: 125th st and morningside ave, nyc, 10:30 am est.

it's a bit cold and rainy but it's business as usual for the locals.

what's missing from this picture?

Nate Merit

Hi Steve2

Have you read the post thats asking if the Org has gotten worse? I'm astonished at just how bleak and awful things are now. They were bad enough when I was "in the Truth" but now it's so bad I'm astonished that anyone would be attracted to such a stark and dismal band fo woebegone misfits. At least the Mormons are friendly and positive and life-embracing, and have a wonderful camaraderie and esprit de corps. The Witnesses had that when I was involved. I was disfellowshipped 33 years ago, so the Org has certainly had plenty of time to go down the tubes, which it evidently is doing with great expertise.

When I was a Witness, they held dances and parties (with rock music and live bands) for the teens, it was okay to drink alcohol in moderation, you could smoke, people hung out with each other, there were actual discussions about history and doctrines of the WTBTS. Now all of that is gone. What could possibly attract anyone to the Jehovah's Witnesses today?

Nate

42

Is it me or has the WTS gotten worse?

by Lady Lee in

i've been out of the jws for the last 20 years.

i remember when...the wts prided its self on having khs that were humble, practical and were't a showy displaythe wts was as militant as they are now.the elders weren't as cruel to their ownthe wts wasn't always puttong their hands in the r&f's pocket and demanding money.the conventions actually cared about the needs of the r&f by providing food and not making a bunch of rules about where they could eat and what they could put under the seat.. am i remembering things differently?

has the society gotten worse?

Nate Merit

The Kingdom Hall I attended (is 'attended' the right term? it's been 33 years) was literally a brick box. No windows, a glass door in the front, and two steel doors in the back. The second floor was used for storage. This was a large building, and could easily have held three to four times as many people than it did when the white people (myself included) met. There were two other congregations that used the hall. The black unit and the hispanic unit. The whites didnt like the blacks and vice versa, and the hispanics didnt like either one. The hispanics called themselves the "spanish speaking congregation" but none of them spoke spanish as their primary language, and their meetings were all in English, as was the literature they distributed.

All three 'units' met at different times in the same building so they didn't have to rub elbows. Welcome to the New World Society of Jehovah's Bigots.

Nate

42

Is it me or has the WTS gotten worse?

by Lady Lee in

i've been out of the jws for the last 20 years.

i remember when...the wts prided its self on having khs that were humble, practical and were't a showy displaythe wts was as militant as they are now.the elders weren't as cruel to their ownthe wts wasn't always puttong their hands in the r&f's pocket and demanding money.the conventions actually cared about the needs of the r&f by providing food and not making a bunch of rules about where they could eat and what they could put under the seat.. am i remembering things differently?

has the society gotten worse?

Nate Merit

Am I remembering things differently? Has the society gotten worse? From some of the posts I've read over the last couple of weeks my jaw has just dropped at the lack of love and the outright cruelty inflicted on those who have left or were DFed. Every time I think something was so immoral and the worst someone else comes along and my jaw is on the floor again.

Hi Lady Lee

I was disfellowshipped thirty-three years ago, and I do not remember anything much besides being terrified of the god and terrified of descriptions of the horrors of the Armaggedon to come, preaching of terror of the god, going door to door to earn the favor of the terrifying god, cruel elders with their spies sniffing about to 'get' something on someone, terror of the god, everyone spying on each other, terror of the god, reporting to the elders, terror of the god, whispering campaigns, terror of the god, judgementalism, terror of the god, and did I mention terror of the god?

When you have a genocidal, maniacal, murdering, mercurial, despot that demands absolute unquestioning obeisance and obedience, what do you expect? We become like that which we give the highest place in our minds and hearts and lives. If one worships the cosmic lunatic Jehovah, one will ape the cosmic lunatic Jehovah. I need point no further than the WTBTS.

Nathaniel J. Merritt Met. D.
http://jcnot4me.com/Items/theology/JEHOVAH_UNMASKED/jehovah_unmasked.htm

8

Wild Gorrillas Using Tools

by bavman in

.

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2005/09/0930_050930_gorilla_tool.html

.

Nate Merit

I thought I was gonna see a gorilla using a bandsaw.

Nate

26

MY CHALLENGE TO FUNDAMENTALISTS/LITERALISTS

by Nate Merit in

for the fundamentalist christians reading this post who do not like my hermeneutics (principles of biblical interpretation), i challenge you to look up all the passages of the old testament that are quoted in the new testament.

read the surrounding context of each quotation as it appears in the old testament.

you will be shocked to discover that the context of the verses in the old testament almost never correspond to the way the verses are actually used in the new testament.

Nate Merit

Hello Carmel

What connection, exactly, does your response have to the subject matter of the post? I'm no slouch in the IQ department Carmel, and I detect no direct connection at all. If a connection does exist it must be so oblique as to be invisible.

Nathan

21

"European Union" equals 7th King malarkey.

by Schizm in

browsing the internet, i found this interpretation of the

a "european union" (see images to the right).

it amazes me that people can't *see* what is right in front

Nate Merit

Only if you are a barbarian and eat your eggs poached rather than boiled.

14

Saturday morning and the witnesses are most notable for thier ABSENCE!

by Soledad in

picuture it: 125th st and morningside ave, nyc, 10:30 am est.

it's a bit cold and rainy but it's business as usual for the locals.

what's missing from this picture?

Nate Merit

Hi Steve2

I was involved in Watchtower Madness during that time period too. I hope you're correct about the WTBTS being on it's last legs. Wouldn't it be grand if the JW's became like the Bible Students, and the WTBTS returned to simply printing useful materials for them, not being their harsh and relentless taskmasters? It will probably take another two or three generations for the full metamorphosis, but it will happen. The JW's are a very recent phenomenon after all.

Nate

12

Catholic church says the bible is wrong

by Satanus in

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,13509-1811332,00.html

here are some excerpts:.

the hierarchy of the roman catholic church has published a teaching document instructing the faithful that some parts of the bible are not actually true.

Nate Merit

Crikey! Something intelligent from the RCC.